Wednesday, August 19, 2009

****WARNING - Emo Blog Follows*****

Ok, so this post isnt really about weight loss, its about how im feeling about things at the moment. So bear with me, cause this is all probably gonna sound pretty whingey. Which is why im writing this here. Only 5 people read this blog and im happy with those 5 people seeing into the murky waters of my mind. And if you dont want to read this, turn away, avert your eyes! I just need a place to vent.

Ok. We all know that I have been sick on and off again for about the last two years (and the last six months mostly on again). Well, Im REALLY tired of being unwell. Im also tired of people insinuating that its because of my weight problem. ITS NOT. Some of my issues are made worse by my weight but almost none of them are caused by it.

I have a crap immune system. I have always had a crap immune system my whole life because I was born six weeks prematurely. And yes, I know that being overweight doesnt help but its NOT THE CAUSE.

I have a genetic disorder that makes the collagen in my body defective. In my case, it causes hypermobility, severe scaring, poor wound healing, Gastro Oseophageal Reflux Disorder, Joint dislocations, pain in most joints, frequent injuries that dont heal, and almost constant fatigue. None of this is caused by weight. The only thing that is made worse by extra weight is the joint pain.

I also have diagnosed depression and an anxiety disorder. And when im in pain (which is most of the time), I dont really sleep well. And depression and anxiety are made so much worse without good sleep.

As my last post said, the medicine im on this week to help my asthma which has gotten really bad, has made a whole bunch of things worse. The side effects of these tablets are that my stomach problems are about ten times worse. Another side effect is that it has a tendency to make mentall illness much worse. Oh and it causes extreme and rapid weight gain (even though im only on them for 5 days).

So, I feel like puking, I have gained 1.5 kilos in 3 days, I have the worst asthma of my entire life and I should be in hospital, and to top it all off, Im feeling very emo.

Im sorry for being so whingy people. I really am.

Im sick of being the sick one. Im sick of life being more complicated than necessary because of illness.

Because im single, the following thought is always in the back of my mind: "Who is going to want to be an eternal companion to someone who will constantly need to be looked after, someone with so much baggage".

Do any of you often feel like you just need to take a time out from your everyday life and sort yourself out? I do. But I cant. I have debt to pay, and a house to run. I wish I could have like two weeks away, from the pressure of everything, we I cant get my medical stuff and my mental stuff just a little bit more sorted.

Oh well, hopefully I can get the asthma to sort itself out, so i can get off the medicine that makes me extra emo, so that I can sort out being a medium level of emo.

Ok. Im going to stop ranting now. I just need a good nights sleep.

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